Cyclist Poops on the Street and Throws it at a Car

Source – Police are on the lookout for a cyclist who threw his own feces at a woman in a car.

Following a collision on Yates and Cook streets in Greater Victoria, the cyclist pulled down his pants, defecated in public and threw his own feces at the woman who had locked herself in her own car.

“Thankfully, there were a lot of witnesses who intervened because they were fearful the driver would be assaulted,” said Victoria Police Const. Matt Rutherford. “A lot of people took photos and video and we are working on locating the suspect.”

Rutherford noted before throwing his feces, witnesses said the cyclist opened the door to the vehicle and was “verbally abusive” to the driver. Video of the incident then shows him grabbing his bike and ramming it into the passenger side headlights of her vehicle before fleeing southbound on Cook Street on his bike.

Dear Cyclists,

Have you ever wondered why you are regarded by us normals as monsters? As preachy, smug, self-satisfied, self-important douchebags who regard all us drivers and pedestrians as lesser beings whose very existence is an affront to you? Here’s a perfect example.

This poop-flinging maniac isn’t just some random kook. He is the ultimate cycler. He is the bike riders’ God King. Doing what every cyclist dreams of doing to those of us who have the common sense to sit in comfort and safety, drinking coffee, being entertained by our audio systems, while internal combustion does all hard work. And don’t act like you don’t. You throw poop at us with your eyes every time we pass you on a narrow road. You throw poop at us with your gestures at every intersection where law-abiding citizens brave the crosswalk while you’re barreling through a red light. This guy just happens to be the only one with the balls enough to actually go through with the thing you’ve thought about a million times. If the police ever find him, he’ll probably be named Man of the Year by every bike enthusiast magazine in North America.

You suck,

Humanity

That said, the police have got to get on this and track this guy down.  This guy has turned throwing shit into a defense mechanism. Like a skunk spraying. As long as he has a digestive system he should be considered armed and dangerous. This is not a time for “being on the lookout.” This is a time to mobilize every available law enforcement asset you have and find him. I want cops. Mounties. K-9 units. Helicopters. Zambonies. Anyone you can get. There are no other priorities. our fugitive has been on his bike for 24 hours. Average pedal speed is 20 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of sixty miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive will have shit on his hands. Go get him.